Christmas Letter

I am grading today (sigh).  I really hate having to grade final exams at this time of year.  But, I have been remiss in acknowledging Christmas herein, so herewith is a copy of the Christmas Letter we sent out in our Christmas cards this year.  There was a card with it, but you can read all about the card in the letter.  And, if you want to see said card (and, let me hasten to add, that there is no real reason to want to see said card), then the means to accomplish that feat can be deduced from the contents of the letter.
  
And, so Merry Christmas!

(And yes, the following is the start of the letter--it begins in medias res for no real purpose)

            A Word of Explanation is in Order.  The Annual Hartley Household Christmas Epistle (which the Reader now holds in Hand (unless, of course, Said Reader has placed Said Epistle upon a Lectern before perusing it (though, Truth Be Told, Your Humble Narrator is Reasonably Certain (but not Metaphysically Certain) that the Reader does not actually use a Lectern for Purposes of Reading Yuletide Greetings))), due to Events Beyond the Control or Desire of Your Humble Narrator (details given below (said parenthetical Aside was added for those Readers who have Developed a Distrust of Your Humble Narrator’s Desire (or Ability) to Provide Relevant Details in a Timely Fashion)), must now be Rechristened as The Occasional Hartley Household Christmas Epistle due to the Lack of Any Such Epistle in The Year of Our Lord 2009, which, as the Reader is No Doubt Aware, Caused an Insignificant Amount of Depression and Woe to be Spread Throughout the Land in What Should Otherwise have been a Season of Goodwill and Cheer.   Gentle Reader, Your Humble Narrator would like to say “Mea Culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa,” but is Prevented from doing so by Honesty, that Cruel Mistress. The Fault Lies Elsewhere.

            [Insert Dramatic Pause.]

            Either Dupin or Poirot would have already solved the Case, which those Readers not Bestowed with Equivalently Copious Numbers of Little Grey (note British Spelling in honor of Dame Agatha) Cells may still find Befuddling.  The Clue, the vital Clue, is contained in the Same Envelope which delivered the Letter now being perused to the Domicile of the Reader.  It is (pause) The Picture Card (insert dramatic shudder and gasps of shock). 

            For Reasons Your Humble Narrator does not Comprehend, Lily, the second Hartley Offspring, proving that the Apple Does sometimes Fall Very Far from the Tree, decided last year that the Hartley Christmas Card lacked a certain je ne sais quoi, that the inclusion of the Annual Hartley Household Christmas Epistle did not add enough of that Mysterious Substance, and thus what was necessary to Bring Joy to the Reader was a Christmas Card which contained not cheery scenes of the Birth of Christ nor faux amusing portraits of Saint Nicholas nor even sappy scenes of winter, but rather what the Reader Truly needed in order to Make Christmas Complete, what would fill that Void which the Reader feels every Yuletide knowing that something is Lacking at Christmas, something which even Linus’ Wise Words does not Fill, what would Return that Joy the Reader recalls feeling when given a Video Game Console as a small child, what the Reader Desired More than Any Other Possible Gift at Christmas was A Picture Card Containing Pictures of the Hartley Household.  Lily, quite obviously, will Never be Known as a Humble Narrator.

            Now the Clever Reader suspects a Flaw in the Reasoning Heretofore Offered:  Why should Lily’s sudden Desire to Send a Picture Card, coupled with the Long Suffering Wife of Your Humble Narrator’s (LSWYHN’s) consent to Said Scheme, prevent the Annual Hartley Household Christmas Epistle from being Penned and sent Out along with Said Card?  Your Humble Narrator is Glad that the Reader Asked (or, to be Accurate, that the Humble Narrator has pretended that the Reader asked).   While Many of the Recipients of The Hartley Household’s Annual Christmas Greetings have managed to Obtain photographs of Themselves and send them Out to One and All, Organizing such an Activity Proved beyond the Capabilities of the Hartley Household Last Year.  Now, as Longtime Readers of this Space are Acutely Aware, the Problem is Not the Hectic Activities of the Hartley Household, since Said Household has heretofore never had any Activities of Note.

            But Fear not.  After two Years of Trying, Lily did manage to Create a Picture Card which the Reader has Undoubtedly already placed in a Receptacle Suitable for Containing Items With the Degree of Artistic Merit Evidenced in a Picture Card.  [Insert Loud Hosannas.] 

            Alas, the Sound of the Hosannas is Quickly Followed by Two Notes of Puzzlement arising from the Great Picture Card Debacle of 2009 (henceforth GPCD2009). The First Puzzle is Seen on the Picture Card of 2010 (not to be confused with the nonexistent Picture Card of 2009).  Until Recently, Your Humble Narrator was Apparently Deluded in Believing that there were only Five members of the Hartley Household, but the Picture Card (which Cannot Lie) clearly has Six (6!) names listed.  Dante seems to have Been Added to the Hartley Roster.  Now Dante is, as the Observant Reader with even a passing Acquaintance with Genetics has Observed, not one of the natural offspring of Your Humble Narrator and the LSWYHN.  Indeed, until the Picture Card, Your Humble Narrator was inclined to Think that Dante was, not to mince words, a Dog.  Said Dog would have normally been included in the Livestock Report of the Epistle.  So, why has Dante been elevated to the same lofty status as the Hartley Offspring?  Your Humble Narrator is Seriously disturbed by this turn of events.  Back when there were only Three Hartley Offspring, Your Humble Narrator was Inclined to note that the Average Intelligence, Charm, Wit, and Ability of the Hartley Offspring was Simply Stratospheric.  But, the presence of Dante in that otherwise Lofty Company has seriously lowered the Average.  Dante is, not to mince words, not nearly as bright, charming or well-behaved as the other Offspring, though he is as Tidy as the Others.

            And, speaking of the other Offspring, Your Humble Narrator turns to his second Puzzle:  Why does Lily, who at the age of 15 lives not on Planet Earth, but has moved to Planet Facebook, feel the need to send out a picture of the Hartley Household?  Lily already has copious numbers of pictures on her Facebook page, and since all but 163 residents of Planet Earth are Facebook friends with Lily, anyone desiring to see a picture of the Hartley Household need only look there.   When not designing Picture Cards, though, Lily is continuing to turn into a ridiculously intelligent and attractive young lady, whose artistic abilities are simply staggering to behold.  (Exhibits are freely available on the aforementioned Facebook page. (Yes, that is the penultimate commercial for Facebook.))

            Emma is now a senior in High school, and would like the Reader to know that she loathes the Picture Card.  Emma likes horses and Dante; said information is vital for those of the Readers who would like to interact with Emma; speak ill of either at your peril.  One year from now (assuming the Occasional becomes the Annual again), Your Humble Narrator will be faced with a Most Difficult Moral Dilemma:  Do children in College merit attention in the Annual Christmas Epistle?  Your Humble Narrator will commence a detailed study of the norms in this Regard during the course of the Year To Come.  So, let the Reader be Forewarned:  Should Emma vanish from the next Installment of this Epistle, it may be due to the Dictates of Tradition and not, as the Reader would Otherwise Assume, to Alien Abduction.

            Clara is finishing sixth grade this year, which will bring about the End of Hartley Household’s Association with Elementary school.  (Dante failed out of Puppy Obedience School, and has been abandoned to Perpetual Ignorance).  Clara is Brilliant, Funny and likes, no Loves, Harry Potter.  She has also finally arrived at the Age where she Dislikes being Discussed in the Annual Christmas Letter.

            The Powers that Be have Decreed that the Following paragraph merits an Advisory Warning.  Caution: May Contain Actual Substance.  Janet, breaking with Family Tradition, actually did something Worthy of Note this year.  The Annual Christmas Letter may never be the Same.  Terra Verde Nursery is now open for business (both on Planet Earth and, thanks to Lily, on Planet Facebook).  Janet provides plants of Exquisite Beauty to Households other than her own.  In addition to her Entrepreneurial Activities, she also managed to keep the Hartley Household functioning.  The latter feat is more impressive than the former.

            And with that, Your Humble Narrator bids you, as always, A Very Merry Christmas.